Dear Bro Fuston,
I have suffered in the hands of a woman that calls herself my wife. My story is lengthy but I will try my best to make it brief. So I urge you to accommodate me and publish it for the world to judge.
My mind has raced to many places to find out why she behaves the way she does and I felt my undoing was that I married her when she was still tender. She was about 16 years.
I have not known peace from the beginning of our marriage. She is too wicked and stingy to the extent that she fights me publicly if I dare take ten naira or any items from the shop I personally opened for her to run.
Asking her for money whenever I am broke is a taboo. Even if she has all the money in Central Bank of Nigeria, she will insult me loudly that anyone around will start thinking that I committed a heinous crime other than beg my wife for money.
Another thing is that she hides any of my cash she lays hand on.
There was a day this woman dragged me into the gutters simply because she asked for N4,000 for the purchase of a handbag and I gave her N2,500 with a promise that I will complete the money later.
This is one out of the many public fights we have had. If I continue to narrate the public shows of shame one after another, you may not have enough space for the publication.
She slapped my mother twice right in front of me. Sincerely speaking, that day I would have killed her except for the intervention of the same woman she slapped-my mother.
She hates my mother and wishes her dead, simply because, my mother is always condemning her evil acts and cautions her to change.
My people do not worth anything before her. She insults everyone in my family with impunity. She spares not even my aged father.
She only regards her own people. I cannot take any decision with her without her bringing her father or any of the elder brothers in.
My father in-law supports her excesses and encourages her wickedness to my family.
Whatever action she takes is traced to the father and most times such actions bring problems between me and her.
About three years ago she parked out of my house and moved straight into another man’s home and they started living like husband and wife. Her father saw all these and yet supported his daughter to continue in the evil.
Her reason for moving out of my house was that I am impotent. She told an aunty of mine that she needed more babies and since I could not make her pregnant some years after our son, she considered me impotent and had to try her luck elsewhere.
She actually had a baby girl for the second man, but when she began displaying her cantankerous behaviour the man never wasted time, but to push her and the baby out in the streets.
She ran back to me begging. When my people knew she was angling to return to me they swore never to have anything to do with me if I should bring her back.
My father threatened to disown me if I allowed her back into my house. My kindred also rejected every move to bring her in and also threatened to ostracize me if I should be seen 10 meters to her.
Against these threats and pressure from my loved ones I stubbornly allowed this woman and the daughter into my house.
It is about nine months now, and we have been together in peace but few months now, that devil in her has resurfaced and this time double-fold. We quarrel every now and then. Now I prefer staying away and coming home late. Yet that has not solved the problem.
My people are waiting for a time to laugh me to scorn which is the worst that will happen to me.
When she sets her mind out to do a thing, good or bad, she must do that, no matter what anybody tells her.
Do I push her out like the other man did?
What can I do to change her?
Do I believe that this quarrelsome behaviour is her nature and therefore cannot be changed?
Help is what I need now, so that my mind for once can know peace and absolute peace.
Raymond from Bayelsa
Dear Raymond,
I will not ask you to push her out on the streets like the other man did.
You must be commended for accepting her back into your arms after she left and got involved in adultery with a strange man. You did not only accept her, you also took in the girl child which is the fruit of her illicit union.
This you did against numerous threats from family members. I must state here that men that can take this bold step of forgiveness are few.
I think the mistake of this marriage is from the beginning. You did not look inward to know the family you were marrying from.
In marriage, the character of the partners and their families is the first consideration. The Igbo people have an adage that says a person’s beauty is seen through his character.
You should have known her character during courtship. This would have helped you quit without being entangled.
Well, the mistake is made and we are looking for the remedy and as far as I am concerned, sincere efforts must be made to change her.
But before this change can be achieved, you must examine yourself to know if there are areas you are at fault. That is where the change should begin.
There is no how you can change her if you are not changed yourself. Are you sure you fulfill your obligations as the head of the home? If yes, then I am of the opinion that you begin making your home a peaceful one by detaching your wife from her father.
Make her understand that she should leave her home as commanded by God and cleave to you-her husband.
Do your best to make her understand this. Go to your in-laws and tell them respectfully to leave you and your wife to make your mistakes and correct them yourselves.
Their involvement in your marital issues should mainly be by the invitation of you two.
Another point of trouble in your marriage is the issue of finances, both of you especially your wife should know that anything that comes into family from any source, be it from the man, the woman, relatives or even friends belongs to you two and must be used judiciously for the growth of the family.
Your money is her money and her money is your money, the truth is that the finance must not be wasted no matter who makes it.
On the accusation of impotence, I suggest you visit a specialist in reproductive health to know the true situation. This will help chart a course for your family and probably douse tension.
I do not know how prayerful you are. You must fast and pray to overcome all problems.
Engage in ceaseless prayers, if possible with her and you will witness peace that comes from God in your home. Don’t despair. I wish you the best.
